I had to let you go
by lein-kenkoishii
Summary: I loved him but he loves her…more than life itself. sigh It hurts so much seeing them together and I feel that it's time for me to tell him so I would be able to move on. Botan's POV my first ever fanfic.. R&R pls...thanks! chap 3 up!
1. confessions

Title: I had to let you go  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.  
  
Summary: One-shot. I loved him but he loves her.more than life itself. *sigh* It hurts so much seeing them together and I feel that it's time for me to tell him so I would be able to move on. (Botan's POV)  
  
I had to let you go.though you were never really mine in the first place.  
  
I saw you, sitting by the benches near the cherry trees in the park, patiently waiting. You seemed to be in deep thought that I felt rather reluctant to approach you. Nevertheless, I have to do this.mostly for myself. I slowly got off my oar a few meters to where you were sitting. I stood for a while, carefully observing you as if it were my last chance to look at you. You are absolutely breath-taking. You've grown since the first time I met you. Instead of a young brat who often picked fights, I saw a young man who was a bit wiser and even more mature than what he used to be. Indeed, I was proud to be a part of that change.and most importantly, your life. I took a deep breath and cautiously approached you.  
  
You seemed to have sensed that I was nearing you. You slowly turned around and smiled at me. A smile that often made me weak in the knees.a smile that frequently made my heart skip a beat and most of all, a smile that made me feel human. I stared at you for a while and grinned weakly. "Hi, Yusuke- kun," I greeted you and sat down beside you, cautious of the space that I was invading.  
  
"Hey, Botan-chan. A new mission for Koenma, I presume?" you asked as you observed the cherry trees in front of you.  
  
"Iie," I answered quietly, looking down at the ground.  
  
You slowly looked at me. "Then why did you ask me to meet you here?" You again asked raising an eyebrow. I chose not to answer you yet. You seemed to notice the change in my demeanor, I mean who wouldn't. I was usually a cheerful ditz around you guys and now here I am being uncharacteristically restrained and mysterious. "Is something wrong, Bot-chan? You don't seem quite yourself today?" You commented with a note of concern clearly evident in your voice that it made my heart feel heavier.  
  
I didn't answer and you seemed to respect my silence. "We.uh, I have to talk to you." I began. I didn't know where I found the courage to speak, as I never had it in all those years that I stood by your side and watched you fight to protect those you love. I didn't know what drove me talk to you.perhaps it was the realization that you truly loved her.or that you didn't return the feelings I have for you in the way that I want you to.or possibly because it hurts me so much to harbor these feelings that I have for you and I have to let it go and move on.  
  
You slowly glanced at me and asked in your careful tone, "About what, Bot- chan?"  
  
A few minutes passed before I spoke again. "About me.uh, you.us," I quietly stated. "Yusuke-kun, I--"  
  
"No!" You abruptly stood up and shouted, "Don't say it!"  
  
I shook from fear? Rage? Or perhaps even love? I don't know.tears slowly welled up in my eyes threatening to fall. "You knew all along?! Why didn't you tell me?" I asked you in disbelief.  
  
"Probably the same reason why you didn't." You looked away but remained standing.  
  
"I'm telling you now."  
  
"You shouldn't.You deserve someone better."  
  
"Then why not you?"  
  
You fell quiet. It seemed like an eternity passed before you chose to speak again, carefully weighing out the words so as not to hurt me that much. Nevertheless, however you may say it.it would still hurt. "I love her more than life itself." You carefully uttered.  
  
Your very words struck my heart. You didn't have to state the obvious. I was silent. I didn't know what to say or how to retaliate. Tears were freely flowing from my face. "I know, Yusuke-kun, I know." I whispered barely audible as I quietly sobbed.  
  
This is it. I know that my confession wouldn't change a thing about me or about her. But I had to tell you. I had to let you go though you were never really mine in the first place. I had to move on. It hurts to just be a friend when you wanted to be more. It also hurts trying to convince myself that your happiness would make me happy. And most of all, it hurts loving someone who doesn't seem to feel the same way about you. I felt that I owed it to myself.I longed for some kind of freedom from the bondage of these feelings I have for you.  
  
"I love you." I slowly said. There, I've said it. I looked down at my feet waiting for your response. Not that it really mattered. It wouldn't even change a thing! You're in love with Keiko. I softly cried.  
  
You turned to me and looked at me in the eye. "Thank you." You quietly said.  
  
I shook my head and smiled weakly at you. "There's no need to thank me.I just wanted to tell you how I felt. For you to know that I love you is quite enough for me. I know that you love her so much and that you're willing to risk everything for her. And.that you only see me as.your friend." I lifted my eyes and looked at him. "I wouldn't want to get in the way of your happiness." I sighed and stood up. I moved near you and squeezed your hand. Then, summoned my oar.  
  
"This doesn't change a thing, you know." You quietly said. I hoped that it doesn't but eventually, it would. You would stop telling me about her and the other things that made you happy until you stopped telling me anything at all. We'll slowly drift apart as much as we don't want to.it is, but, inevitable. And yet, I risked it all just for a chance to tell you how I feel.  
  
I turned around. "No, Yusuke-kun, this changes everything." I mounted my oar, hovering over the ground.  
  
"Keiko's having a dinner party. We'll see you later at Keiko's house?" You asked, trying to sound as if nothing happened.  
  
I slowly shook my head. "I don't know if I'll be able to make it.Koenma- sama and I have a lot of things to do in Reikai but we'll try to be there." I will not be healed by then. Loving you had done nothing but hurt me. Nevertheless, it has also given me a reason or perhaps a little hope that life is indeed worth living.hoping that someday, somehow.I'll eventually meet someone meant for me and until then, I am going to keep the faith. Hoping that I would find to strength to keep on waiting.  
  
"Hope that you guys would be able to make it. We'll wait for you guys. Ja ne, Bot-chan." You waved goodbye and slowly made your way to Keiko-chan's house.  
  
"Ja ne, Yusuke-kun." I whispered as I watched you disappear from my sight. I slowly made my way to Reikai.however, I didn't want to go yet. I decided to drop by the beach.my sanctuary. I stopped when I reached the edge of the cliff that overlooked the ocean and the beach. I sat down by the boulder facing the ocean, drawing my knees to my chest. I slowly closed my eyes. I needed to breakdown and reflect. I felt at ease with the nature around me. I didn't even notice someone approaching me until I felt someone hovering over my petite form. I opened my eyes and noticed a pair of gentle emerald eyes looking through me. I lost myself in his emerald eyes.  
  
"Hi, Botan."  
  
~~~owari~~~  
  
Author's notes: hiyee, peeps. How was it? Hope you guys liked it. It's my first ever Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic so please be gentle with the reviews. I'm more of a Kurama/Botan fan.or maybe a hiei/botan fan.though I can't help but wonder at the possibility of Yusuke falling in love with Botan or vice versa in the series. I mean they were practically together fighting demons and etc throughout the series.well, just wondering.hehehe.thanks for reading. Happy Valentines and God bless people. 


	2. eyes of solace

Title: I had to let you go  
  
Author: lein_kenkoishii  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.  
  
CHAPTER 2  
  
"Kurama-kun," I uttered a bit surprised to find you here. I slowly smiled at you as I continued to stare at your calm and mesmerizing eyes. I seem to be falling in a deeper trance as I stared at you. I slowly shook my head and grinned weakly. "Gomen ne for staring, Kurama-kun. Um, what are you doing here? If you don't mind me asking?" I asked as I motioned you to sit beside me. It's been a while since I last saw you..I was too caught up with my problems in Reikai and with Yusuke as well that I wasn't able to spend time with you, Hiei and Kuwabara. Not that Hiei would want me to spend time with him.  
  
You smiled softly at me yet you didn't answer. Instead, you took a seat beside me, slowly closed your eyes and took a deep breath. I was entranced by your seemingly perfect façade. You looked so tranquil, without a single problem in mind. Oh, how I envied the life you lead now. You seem to have everything..a perfect life..a caring family, a loving mother, ideal friends and probably a perfect girlfriend. Come to think of it, I don't know much about you..your likes, interests, dreams, fears..basically much about your life. All I knew was that you loved your mother more than anything in this world because she showed you the beauty of life as a ningen. And also that you're probably the only guy that I know with his own fan club. I softly chuckled at the thought. I didn't notice that I was staring at you longer than the usual until you broke the silence. "You're staring again, Bot- chan." You chuckled, eyes still closed, as I turned away from you, blushing.  
  
"Gomen, ne, kurama-kun" I apologized quietly, feeling my cheeks grow even warmer every second. You slowly opened your eyes and turned to look at me with your hypnotizing deep forest eyes. I couldn't bring myself to look at you in the eye..I just couldn't. I can't help but feel intimidated by your spellbinding stare..as if you can see right through me..as if you can see through the very core of my being. Instead, I looked at the ocean before us and sighed. "Peaceful times are here again, ne Kurama-kun," I whispered faintly as I stared beyond the horizon.  
  
You followed my gaze. "Ah..but for how long, Botan-chan?" You commented. "For how long?" I understand your sentiments. A few moments of silence followed..neither of us attempting to break the silence. You seemed to be in deep thought that I didn't want to interrupt. Besides, it gave me a chance to carefully observe you. You slowly ran your fingers through your red silk-like tresses..a simple gesture that reminded me so much of Yusuke. I abruptly looked away with tears beginning to well up in my eyes as memories began to flood my mind..heck, why does everything have to remind me of him.  
  
I decided to break the silence..probably just to get my mind off Yusuke. Perhaps a conversation would divert my attention. "You haven't answered my question, Kurama-kun." I stated quietly as I bravely met your eyes. I felt so lost in them..there was something in them that made me feel so peaceful, so safe and even, uh, loved? Now where did that come from? I just don't know what I'm feeling right now..I'm so confused. There's something in you that makes me feel rather..calm and serene.  
  
"Ah, probably the same reason as to why you're here, ne Botan-chan." You answered staring at me. "To forget certain things..even for just a while. I just want to get away from it all..the pressures of school, peers and basically life itself." You looked away and glanced at the sky. I was quite stunned with what you had just said. I mean, you? You seem to have everything in your life going your way. How can you feel so strained? You seem to have read my mind when you answered. "Aa, Botan-chan, I do feel stressed out at times especially with regards to school and other personal matters."  
  
"How come? I mean, you do so well in school and probably everything else especially when you put your mind into it." I stated following your gaze. I can't seem to comprehend your predicament.  
  
"Arigatou for the compliment, Botan-chan, but there are certain instances in life that you would wish to get away from it all..College is tough but I think I can pull through-"  
  
"With flying colors!" I interrupted.  
  
"Aa, I hope so with flying colors." You are so modest, Kurama-kun. No wonder you have everything just within your reach. You slowly glanced at me as you continue to ramble on. "Mother can't help but worry that I would end up alone..I can't seem to get her understand that I'm not in a hurry to be in an intimate relationship with a girl that I love. If we are meant to be..then let fate take its toll. Besides, I don't know if she even likes me for that matter." A low chuckle rumbled through your chest.  
  
"How can anyone not like you, Kurama-kun?! You're probably the ideal guy for anyone in this world! I mean, you even have your own fan club!" I exclaimed in disbelief. You found my outburst quite amusing since you laughed at what I had just said. The amusement was clearly evident in your eyes. "Yet I understand your mother's sentiments, Kurama-kun. She's worried about you being alone..or worse..being alone and lonely. She just wants you to be able to spend the rest of your life with someone you love just as she had. She probably can't wait to have grandchildren." I laughed quietly and turned to look at you.  
  
"I guess you're right." You responded inaudibly.  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Aa," you slowly closed your eyes and turned away. "It's just that, I can't help but feel burdened and incomplete."  
  
"I know what you mean, Kurama-kun." All thoughts wandered to Yusuke. It was exactly how I feel..except for the part with a mother being worried about me. "But how can you feel that way when you seem have everything you could ever wish for in life, Kurama-kun." I exclaimed not really understanding why you were feeling this way. "Oh how I envy the life you lead." I whispered barely inaudible as I bowed my head. I carefully reached for your hand and gave it a friendly squeeze..as if to remind you that I'll always be here for you guys. You glanced at me with your hypnotizing emerald eyes and smiled. I slowly stood up and summoned my oar. "I guess I have to go now..Koenma-sama's going to bite my head off for staying too long. It was really nice talking to you..arigatou for getting my mind off-" I paused as I remembered Yusuke-kun. "--certain things."  
  
"Aa, but you owe me one, Botan-chan. You weren't quite fair." I was totally confused which probably urged you to go on. "You never said anything about what were you doing here. I hope you trust me enough to share your problems with me. Botan-chan." You also got up and walked by the edge of the cliff. You were right..all I did was listen to you whine about your worries in life. A few minutes of silence passed. "Are you coming to Keiko-chan's dinner party?" You suddenly asked.  
  
"Ano..I honestly don't know, Kurama-kun." I softly answered. "My work in Reikai's been piling up but I'll try to be there and convince Koenma-sama to go with me." I reassured you. "Gomen ne, Kurama-kun..but I really have to go. Arigatou gozaimasu. Hope we could do this again." I smiled as I mounted my oar.  
  
"You know, Botan-chan, there are certain instances in life that you would just want time to stop..and for me, this is one of them. Arigatou for listening to me and cheering me up."  
  
I smiled and waved as I made my way to Reikai. Talking to you somehow made me feel even lighter. "Arigatou, Kurama-kun!"  
  
Kurama's POV  
  
"Contrary to what you mentioned earlier, I don't have everything, Botan- chan..I don't have you by my side. You were too caught up with your infatuations for Yusuke that you didn't notice those who have truly loved you all this time." I gazed longingly at you as you surged forward and out into the Ningenkai skies. "If only.."  
  
Author's notes: It was supposed to be a one shot fic but I can't help it. However, this is the only thing I can come up with. Aw man..this is really getting no where! I can't seem to come up with great ideas about the story..talk about mental blocks! help, people! Any suggestions? I apologize if you think this chapter is done rather poorly..sorry. =( I hope that the next one would be better...tsk tsk..  
  
By the way, thanks for the reviews! =)  
  
God bless people! 


	3. Contemplation

Title: I had to let you go  
  
Author: lein_kenkoishii  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.  
  
CHAPTER 3: Contemplations  
  
Kurama's POV  
  
"Contrary to what you mentioned earlier, I don't have everything, Botan- chan..I don't have you by my side. You were too caught up with your infatuations for Yusuke that you didn't notice those who have truly loved you all this time." I gazed longingly at you as you surged forward and out into the Ningenkai skies. "If only.."  
  
I sighed as I watched you disappear in the darkening sky. I slowly made my way home. You seemed rather sad..so lost and poignant when I approached you earlier. Something must have happened. What was it about? Why can't you tell me what's bothering you? I'm still your friend, am I not? I just want to help you..to perhaps ease the pain you were currently feeling..to see you with a smile..a real smile that comes from your heart. True, you always seem cheerful but for how long will you hide yourself behind that overly jovial exterior. If only you trust me enough with your problems. I know what you'd probably say..that you didn't want us to be bothered by your own predicaments. But you just don't get it, do you? I want to be bothered by your problems..I want to be burdened by the weight you feel around your shoulders..I want to know your fears and dreams and basically everything about you..and most of all, I want to be a part of your life..even for just a moment. We are, after all your friends, right?  
  
Another sigh escaped my lips. I know you've fancied Yusuke ever since the day you met him. I mean, almost every one in the team knows except Yusuke..well, he probably knows but refuses to acknowledge your feelings for him. He probably didn't want you to have the wrong impression or perhaps false hopes. Keiko and Yusuke are practically together. Although he may not openly admit it, he is deeply smitten with Keiko..just as I am with you. I stopped walking and turned to look at the sky..finally noting how peaceful everything seems. Surprisingly, I'm looking forward to Keiko- chan's dinner party. I have a hunch that you're going to be there and everything would turn out as great as it is. I looked around me and finally noticed a familiar figure.  
  
'Mother!' I smiled and waved at her. I am really looking forward to seeing you again tonight, Botan-chan.  
  
Botan's POV  
  
Now that was weird. I thought as I made my way to Reikai. I carefully got off my oar and walked through the hallway. I admit, I still feel quite wounded with Yusuke-kun's rejection; however, after talking to you, Kurama- kun, I can't help but feel rather untroubled and even comforted. It's like, your mere presence was enough to give me solace..to make me feel safe and significant. I don't know but there seems to be something in you that emanates pure tranquility. I really have no idea.  
  
I smiled weakly as began to recall what happened earlier. A lot has happened today, ne? And I do mean a LOT! First, I was able to find the courage to tell Yusuke-kun how I feel about him even though his response was not what I wanted to hear, it somehow made me quite relieved that everything was out in the open. I've locked these feelings inside of me for what seemed like an eternity that I longed to be free. I know I couldn't compete with Keiko-chan..I mean, she's perfect. I had already lost even before the battle has begun; however, I can't help but feel hopeful that somewhere along the line..things would change..that Yusuke-kun would finally notice my feelings for him. It was indeed stupid of me. I shouldn't have tried to change what fate has already planned. I know the things between me and Yusuke-kun would change yet I risked it all. For once, I felt quite proud of myself for being able to stand up for what I really feel.  
  
Then, I was able to spend time with you, Kurama-kun. It may have only been a few minutes or so but for me, it felt even longer. More importantly, you trusted me with your thoughts, worries and probably even your 'innermost' feelings..well, not totally your innermost but probably enough for me to be able to get to know you better. I felt honored with the trust as well as the friendship you bestowed upon me. It really amused me that despite having your very own fan club, you remained to be modest and humble. Hmmm....I wonder, who was the girl that you like? You seem to like someone yet we don't see you spending time with other girls, well maybe except for me, Yukina-chan, Shizuru-chan, Keiko-chan and Genkai-san but we don't count. Hey, now that gives me an idea, you probably like someone from the group, ne? I chuckled lightly carefully figuring out who had captured the great Kurama-kun's heart. Of course, it couldn't be Genkai-san nor Keiko- chan since she's with Yususke-kun and I'm simply out of the question. So that leaves Yukina-chan and Shizuru-chan...hmmm...I have no clue! There's nothing different with the way you act around all of us. You truly are an enigma, you know that. No wonder your mother is getting worried about you not having a significant other. I sighed, all this thinking is making me kind of hungry. Well, whoever she is, I just hope that she feels the same way about you. I let out a small sigh, memories of Yusuke-kun flowing through my mind. I shook my head...not now, just when I'm slowly getting over him.  
  
'Botan-chan!' I heard someone calling my name. I looked up and saw Jorju- kun running towards me. I smiled at him.  
  
'Nani, Jorju-kun?' I asked as he got nearer. I motioned him to take a deep breath and relax before telling me what was wrong.  
  
'Where have you been, Botan-chan?' he uttered between breaths. 'Koenma- sama's been looking all over for you. He wants to talk to you.' He straightened up and beckoned me to follow him.  
  
I nodded and followed him. 'I was in Ningenkai, Jorju-kun.' I said soflty almost inaudibly. 'I visited Yusuke-kun and the others.' Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him raised an eyebrow as he watched the change in my demeanor. I looked up at him with a smile on my face. 'Ne, Jorju-kun, what did Koenma-sama want? Was he not satisfied with my report?' I asked him with a look of concern evident in my eyes.  
  
We stopped walking. The huge double doors towered right in front of us. 'I don't know, Botan-chan, but I assure you he is in a good mood today.' He smiled at me as he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and knocked aloud. I couldn't help but chuckle with what you did. In front of Koenma- sama, you act like brave and strong oni who isn't afraid of anything but deep inside, you are sensitive and kind-hearted.  
  
'Who is it?!' came a small voice, which we were all familiar of.  
  
'It's Jorju and Botan reporting, Koenma-sama.' He said.  
  
'Come in.' We let ourselves into the office. 'Jorju, you may go.' Koenma- sama, in his toddler form, uttered without looking up from his work.  
  
'Hai, Koenma-sama.' He replied as he left the room. I eyed the Reikai Prince sitting behind his desk stacked with paper works. He was preoccupied with his work that I think he forgot that I was still in his office. I decided to break the silence. 'Ano...you called for me, Koenma-sama?' I quietly asked.  
  
He paused. 'Aa.' Then resumed working. Great, just great, Koenma-sama!  
  
You didn't elaborate. 'Ano, Koenma-sama, is there something wrong with my report?'  
  
At last, you stopped and turned to look at me. 'Iie. Nothing's wrong, your report was exceptional, as usual.'  
  
I was totally confused. 'Then what-'  
  
'How was your trip to Ningenkai?' He suddenly asked. His question caught me off guard.  
  
'It..it was..quite alright.' I carefully weighed out my response. 'Ho..how did you know that I was in Ningenkai?' I asked as I played with my fingers indicating that I was a bit uncomfortable with the conversation.  
  
'Yusuke contacted me.'  
  
'He did?!' I asked in disbelief. 'What did he say?' 'He invited us to Keiko's dinner party this evening, that's all.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'Why, Botan-chan? Is there something that I need to know?' He smirked.  
  
'No..no..nothing, Koenma-sama.' I stammered. I can't believe that you're teasing me.  
  
'So, are we going? They wanted us to come and besides, I could use a night off.' He smiled at me.  
  
I sighed and slowly smiled. 'Sure.' Although, I can't help but feel rather uneasy about seeing Yusuke-kun again after...that, I harbor no bitter feelings towards Yusuke-kun or Keiko-chan. It is but inevitable..we are bound to met again if not sooner, ne? Besides, Kurama-kun's going to be there and I know that with him around, I wouldn't feel alone. Hmm...maybe Keiko-chan's dinner party is something to look forward to, after all.  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry, took me that long to update...I'm going to start med school next school year...hehe...can't help but feel nervous about it though. Well, here's another chapter...hope it was what you expected. ! I apologize if you think this chapter is done rather poorly.. I'm really sorry..I'm just so out of it. =( I hope that the next one would be better...tsk tsk..Anywayz, thanks for the reviews and for your ideas as well. It is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much! =)  
  
God bless! =) 


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